Junk Mail Letters: Amex Bank of Canada

Lincoln Trudeau

MY ADDRESS

MY CITY, PROVINCE

MY COUNTRY/POSTAL CODE

MY PHONE NUMBER

June 24, 1997

Cecilia Gronow, Director, Consumers Services Group

c/o Amex Bank of Canada

P.O. Box 66003 Stn. Brm. B

Toronto, Ontario

M7Y 4K3

A Happy Hello to you, Cecilia Gronow,

Congratulations. You are the first junk-mail fiend to have annoyed me in my humble new home. I wish I could say you would also be the last. But as is the case of the multi-headed hydra of Greek myths, cutting off one ugly head just seems to make more of them grow.

Before I begin, a quick reminder. If it is not Cecilia Gronow reading this but just some nosy little mailboy who got tired of scratching his butt and contemplating his pointless existence, please stop reading this. This is for Cecilia. Are we clear? Good.

Now then, to give you the respect you deserve. And perhaps a bit more so you won't feel like a fly-infested pile of cow dung. In your grossly impersonal letter to me recently, you asked me if I wanted your no-fee American Express Gold Credit Card. I have had one credit card in my life and I chopped it up and incinerated the pieces. So please, send me a card.

You tell me I'm part of a small and VERY select group of Canadians being invited to apply for this card. You make it all sound so flattering. I'm a university student seven thousand dollars in debt still living with my parents. C'mon, why don't you rub a little MORE salt in the wounds?

Oh you must be a hoot at parties. There I'd be at a party. Two guys would be puking their guts out in the corner. And there would be tipsy little Cecilia, telling the guys that they're part of a small and select group of people at the party who will be stomach-pumped and possibly die of liver damage. Oh Cecilia, you little sweetheart you.

Let's look at the selling points for this credit card: an interest rate of 6.9% for six months, which then becomes 12.95% after six months, and a $5,000 credit limit. All of a sudden I have this urge to yawn loudly but it's a waste of energy unless you can see me do it. Let's face it, if I'm not yawning directly into your face, I'm going to feel cheated.

And your sales gimmicks just aren't clever enough. I've heard a lot of hype about students starting their own business. Well I've got a new angle for you. I want to start my own world. And you're going to help me do it. If not, I'll just take my business elsewhere.

Let's look at this new world thing. In the current market, we have one world. The market's big enough for two though. In this second world, things will be different. Gravity will be five times less than it is now. Sort of like the moon, except warmer and with breathable air.

This means the regulation height of a basketball net will be about 50 feet high. Imagine how many somersaults and backflips a guy in the NBA could do before dunking the ball in the net.

This also means that if a small child falls out of an eight-story window, he will have time to adjust himself so he lands on his feet instead of splitting his head open. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of hearing about little kids falling out of windows and splitting their heads open. I'm against it personally, but I suspect you don't share my enthusiasm.

Now you listen here, missy. I'm talking about better basketball and life-saving and all YOU can think about is your damned interest rates and credit limits. You, madam, are SEVERELY out of touch with reality.

You may be thinking a number of things right now. You may be angry with me for writing to you in this way. You may be thinking "I'm not paid to put up with this kind of crap." Oh how wrong you would be. You, Cecilia, oh High and Mighty Director of Mailing Stupid Letters to People Like Me, are paid to put up with PRECISELY this kind of crap. You people make a lot of money, so I think it's time you put up with more crap. My crap.

If you ever write me again, I will personally send you a singing telegram. The song will be a little ditty I wrote called "You People Suck" and it will be sung by a live grenade.

Incidentally, I noticed that your post office box is similar to the one that Columbia House has. If you happen to bump into any Columbia House buddies at the next Unholy Convention of Annoyance, I have a proposition for them. I'll buy 11 CDs for a penny if 11 Columbia House marketing executives have a televised death-pit match over a penny.

Cheerfully yours,

Lincoln Trudeau

P.S. Please find enclosed a booklet I received in the mail from America Online. It's very flashy and expensive-looking and full of itself and I figured it would be right up your alley.