Junk Mail Letters: BMG #2

Lincoln Trudeau

MY ADDRESS

MY CITY, PROVINCE

MY COUNTRY/POSTAL CODE

MY PHONE NUMBER

Dec. 13, 1996

BMG Music Service

P.O. Box 7010

Mississauga, Ontario

L5A 4J3

Dear Patrick Baker, Credit Manager,

Thank you for cancelling my account at BMG. I only wish this ordeal had not dragged on for so long. BMG, in ignoring me since May, placed the life if an innocent CD in jeopardy. And even after I took my hostage (Bush X's "Sixteen Stone" album as it were), over a month past before I was dealt with.

Consider yourself a lucky man that I'm a rookie music-order terrorist and not like most terrorists or that CD would have been put out of its misery long ago. It wasn't like I was asking a million dollars ransom and a jumbo jet and you could pretend it took you a month to come up with the money. I think I've been more than fair -- I had a single demand which was to have my account cancelled. A month before this was dealt with? If I said I was impressed I'd be lying.

Anyways, you said I owe you $24.48 for the Bush CD. Nice try. Hey, just cause I'm new at this terrorism gig, don't try to scam me. Terrorists don't pay for hostages. But I'll return it to you, unharmed. Why? Because I'm a nice guy, that's why. Because even after being put on backburner for almost six months, there's still a spark of kindness in my heart. I'm trusting the ranks of Canada Post to deliver this hostage to you but if some sort of mutiny or other act of sabotage occurs, I will not be held responsible for the outcome. The Bush X CD is going back in the mail to you and you should be getting it soon.

Thank you also for letting the $2 go. I think that is a very adult thing to do. I will now leave you to your pursuit of other customers and hope that you have learned a valuable lesson about dealing with hostage-taking situations. Hey, if I kidnapped your mother and said "I'll give her back as long as you leave me be and don't make me pay back $2" and you waited a whole month to negotiate, the old lady would be fish food by now.

Best wishes,

Lincoln Trudeau

P.S. I am only half as rude as I appear to be.