Lincoln TrudeauMY ADDRESSMY CITY, PROVINCEMY COUNTRY/POSTAL CODEMonday, August 7, 1995Dennis Keller, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
c/o DeVry Institute of Technology
2201 Finch Ave. W.
P.O. Box 58206 STN BRM B
Toronto, Ontario
M7Y 9G1
Dear Mr. Keller,
I recently received in the mail the survey from DeVry and I've been bouncing off the walls ever since in drooling anticipation.
Oh, I must have received 4 or 5 of these DeVry surveys in the past, but much to my dismay, something went wrong every time. The first one I had...well, my parents incinerated it before my very eyes while I watched helplessly -- I never forgave them for that outrage. The second one -- well my dog ate that one and I don't even have a dog...who knew?
The third form...I was rather intoxicated one evening and, mistaking it for a large rolling paper, I rolled a joint for one of my pothead friends. And I kid you not, the very next day, he marched his butt right down to DeVry and demanded to be considered for enrolment in a robotics-related program...he has not been seen or heard from since.
I suspect foul play on your part, but I can't prove a thing. Damn you and your fascist regime of higher education! My friend -- Sebastian Rockafeller, mind you -- is a prisoner of conscience...I'm willing to offer a hefty sum for his safe return but should I hear any harm has come to him...let's just say I have friends in high places.
As for the fourth survey you sent me...no wait there were only three. So this latest one is the fourth then. How silly of me. Sometimes I just lose myself.
Anyways though, thank goodness for this survey of yours. Thank you for giving me one last chance. I mean, this Journalism program at Ryerson that I'm in now...man, it's great but it's no DeVry. Sure, I know less than 10% of applicants to the Journalism program are accepted and journalism's what I've always wanted to do...but I've been having doubts, and I appreciate you showing me the light.
I think what happened was this: I was sitting down one day, toiling over an exciting feature article, when it hit me, "Eureka! Robotics! I know what I was meant to do in life! Not Journalism, but robotics! It's all so clear to me now!"
I don't know how much your commercials on TV are costing you, but on a subliminal level, I think they reach us all.
Anyways, back to the survey...you ask me to fill out "a two-minute survey"...okay...about ten lines later, you say "Please take a second to fill out the enclosed questionnaire."
Well wait just a moment...what the hell is this all about? First it's two minutes and now it's only a second? You say you're so high-tech with the latest equipment but you're unable to distinguish between two long minutes and a single solitary second? High-tech, my ass. You know how many seconds are in two minutes, Mr. Keller? One hundred and twenty! Which is certainly more than one. My God man, have you been dropped on your head?
And you think I can answer all your questions in a second? What the hell do you think I am -- Superman? I could not read a single question in a second, let alone answer four. I know reality can be agonizing at times, Mr. Keller, but I'm making the effort -- what's with you?
Let's see what else you've told me...you give me "a few facts" you'd like me to know about DeVry. This had better be good.
Okay...you say DeVry's Electronics and Computer programs are accredited in Ontario by the Ontario Association of Certified Engineering Technicians and Technologists (OACETT). So? What the hell difference does that make to me? So tell me about this OACETT...is it a morally sound organization? Any...corruption? Eh? Do they take bribes regularly? Do people within the organization have a tendency to disappear when they know too much? Don't try to sugar-coat this, Keller -- I'm on to your game.
I would love to criticize more of your facts but the rest are so absolutely boring they're not worth repeating. You haven't given me much to work with, Keller. You could have lied just a little, you know. I wouldn't have told anyone. It'd be our little secret -- wink wink.
And let's see...the actual questionnaire...why look at these questions. I can see now how my enjoyment of video games proves that I am just what DeVry is looking for. And which friend of mine sent you my address and phone number, perchance? I'd like to know so I know who will be getting one less Christmas card this year.
You ask me, am I interested in Scarborough or Weston...I know what I'm interested in. I am interested in never getting mail from DeVry again. Oh, and please never send your mind-boggling crap to my friend Mike Stafford either (57 Carr Drive, Ajax, Ontario -- yes, that Mike Stafford). You'd be surprised how damaging your relentless mailing is. I had to talk him down from the CN Tower the other night and I'm not very pleased about that.
If you get a bill for his counselling anytime soon, don't you dare have a shocked look on your face -- if you do, I swear to God I'll send someone over to slap you. Not punch you or kill you or kick you in the teeth -- just a good slap. Hey, after what you've done, that's literally just a slap on the wrist -- except it's across your face, so you should just be thankful for the change of location.
Don't you get it? If people don't write back, it means they don't like you. It really does. I'm just one of the few people who has taken the time and energy to say this. Stop sending the same thing so many times. Nobody cares. Every time you send out your rubbish to people like me, think of the word "Timber!" as another tree crashes to the ground, another victim of Keller's Killing Fields.
If in the next year or so you find one or more of your cherished campuses completely submerged beneath a giant pool of Watermelon Jell-O and stale Smurfberry Marshmallows, don't say you have no idea who did it. This is not a threat -- just a psychic prediction. And unlike Jojo, I'm not charging you $3 a minute to tell you. Count your blessings.
Sincerely,Lincoln TrudeauP.S. I'm serious about success.
