Lincoln TrudeauMY ADDRESSMY CITY, PROVINCEMY COUNTRY/POSTAL CODEThurs., January 18, 1996Michael J. Scott, President
c/o ICS Canadian Ltd.
9001 Avon Road
Montreal West, Quebec
H4X 9Z9
Dear Mr. Scott,
Are you people so unable to take a hint that I must waste the time to write you this letter to make you stop?
Your introduction to me states I am a "prospective student" of the International Correspondence Schools. I feel I should mail you a picture of myself. That way I will be able to ask you the question, "Do I really look that stupid?" But alas, I have given all recent photos of myself to my loved ones, and thus, you'll have to just imagine. And we all know that those who run correspondence schools are world-renowned for their imagination capabilities.
Okay, maybe I should explain. See, my mom found one of your little forms in the mail one day a long time ago and suggested I write in. Little did I know you people would continue to write me until the day I die.
Y'know, when I write a letter to someone and they don't write back, maybe I'll write them again. If I really like the person. And even then, after two or three unreplied letters, I'll give up. You don't even know me and yet you keep sending me more of your nonsense. What part of your brain told you this would be a good idea?
You sit there and tell me that I "must" have been interested in your programs but that "something has prevented you from enrollling." I'll tell you exactly what that something is: I'VE GOT NO DAMN MONEY! None! I'm in debt, in fact. That means I have even less than no money. I am forced to be envious of those who are broke for they are richer than I.
I don't care if your course is $600 or $300...even if it's $10, that's $10 more than I'm willing to spend on your crap. Even if I ever wanted to enroll, I certainly have no interest now because you have irritated me so much.
And you honestly think I wanted to enroll in your course due to a desire for "greater self-esteem"? How many people hold their heads up high and throw giant parties and go on parade to proclaim to the world that they have graduated from correspondence school.
Then you say that your "reduced-rate courses" will give me a Completion Certificate I can show an employer. You then say, "What better way to impress?" Oh, maybe a real diploma. Hell, even a high-school diploma would come on my resume before that. Or maybe -- no, heaven help us -- not a degree. Not a university degree, no an employer would much prefer a Completion Certificate.
I'd say the main difference between this letter you sent me and every other one before it is that this one was just that little bit more annoying -- and also, this one offers me Club Z points if I sign up. You're really reaching now, aren't you? As if things weren't dismal enough, now you drag Zellers into your web of deceit and manipulation...you bastards.
By the way, how proud am I obligated to feel if I take a course called "Journalism/Short Story Writing"? Are you suggesting these two forms of writing are so similar you can just lump them together into some freakish hybrid entity and hope to lure people in? Fat chance, Mike. The two employ completely different writing styles and I know this because I've done both on numerous occasions -- no thanks to you, I might add.
Let me ask you something, Mr. Scott, what does "NO" mean to you? I don't want to sign up for your courses. I don't want to be your friend. If I saw you in the street, I wouldn't even say "hi" or nod my head, even if I did know what you looked like. If anything, I'd slap you at the back of the head to give you a taste of what annoyance really is.
I'm surprised I wrote you this much. You really don't deserve any of it. You probably won't even read this. And at this point, I don't care.
Hardly sincerely,Lincoln TrudeauP.S. Thank you for giving me an envelope with return postage. God forbid I should spend the 40-odd cents necessary to send a stamp back to you too.
