It used to be that when I talked to someone, they'd say things like "Okay", "Yeah", "Uh-huh" or "Alright" as ways of letting me know they were listening. Somehow or other, a lot of people now will say "Sure" -- often they'll say this when I'm not done talking yet. This really bugs me. I don't know if it's because of the way the word sounds when they say it but when they say it, it sounds like they're saying, "What you're saying is taking too long, it's not that interesting and I'm not even sure I believe a word of it, so just hurry the hell up so I can get back to staring at this wall."
I wrote this joke years ago. Back then, it was long, pointless and it sucked. But it's different now it's shorter (notice how that's the only difference between the old and new -- this is your only warning)!
I have this cat named Stupid (by the end of this story, you'll know this is complete nonsense so why bother inventing a real-sounding name?). So Stupid has this kidney stone problem. And one day he eats a bird and gets really sick and then he spits up the bird and out come the kidney stones too. So I guess he killed two stones with one bird (BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that sucked).
So Winona Ryder got arrested for shoplifting. I think whenever you go to steal stuff, you should take the Shoplifter Test. If you're going to steal things and the purse you plan to put these things into costs more than some people make in a year, you can bloody well afford to pay for the things, you cheap fucker.
Celebrities seem to get in trouble for stupid things a lot especially drunk driving. And some of them bitch about how "it wouldn't be news if I wasn't famous". If you have millions of dollars but you can't spring for a cab when you get wasted, you deserve the embarrassment. Hell, even if you can't afford a cab, ask someone for a ride. If Tom Cruise was out on the street and asked people for a lift, who would turn him down? "A ride? Sorry Tom, I'm plum tuckered out. Can I take a raincheck on that? Thanks Tom! You're a peach."
I like having a job where you do your thing and go home and not think about it. But if you're a teacher or a cop, you sometimes end up taking your job home with you. It would suck though if a cop DIDN'T take their job home with them. They're sitting in a restaurant and someone's robbing the place and he goes, "Hey, love to help you but I already worked my 8 hours. I do this shit enough at work; I don't need it while I'm eating."
Lincoln's Lair of Laughs
(yep, I really called it that)
There was a time when I used to post jokes here regularly. Anything I post now though will be on my Blogs page. It's not that I don't write jokes anymore; I'm just too busy/lazy/tired to post them here very often. However, there's a good 80 or so jokes at least on the site already and if you want a copy of any jokes I wrote recently, feel free to e-mail me at lincoln_trudeau@yahoo.com and I'll send you some brand new jokes. They might be great! They may not be tested on actual audiences yet. They could potentially suck badly! But they WILL be new and you can count on that much.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are a fellow comic, welcome! If you are a fellow comic who goes around stealing people's jokes for your own benefit/profit, then you are actually not a fellow comic; you are an UN-fellow comic and are therefore UN-welcome here. I currently do not make a great fortune as a comic; I have never stolen a joke and any comic worth a damn doesn't steal either.
All material listed below is Copyright (C) 1994 to when I stopped posting here by Lincoln Trudeau (these are a selection of jokes throughout my career so dates vary).
I am a tolerant person but I think you have to wonder about anyone who believes that women should cover every inch of flesh on their body except for the eyes. Besides the fact that it's demeaning and it deprives a person of any sense of individuality, it's also not practical. Let's say every woman had to wear one of those and you're going to meet your wife at the airport and she calls you to meet her -- what's she gonna say? "Hi honey! Yeah, I'll be at the airport at five. I'll be the one in the veil with the long cloak on." And then she turns around and says, "Hey, you! Lady! Yeah, you! You're wearing the same thing as me -- BITCH!" Yeah, there'd be a lot more of those fights. And that's something we just don't need.
A lot of guys subscribe to the Brute Force Method of doing things -- if something doesn't work, you punch or kick it and if that fails, it means you didn't do it hard enough. The problem with this method ISN'T that it's stupid. The problem is that sometimes it works. And that just encourages us to do it again.
I hate Christmas shopping. I'm normally very patient but there's something about constantly waiting for lots of really slow people that really bothers me. The other day, I was trying to pick out a Christmas card and these two old ladies were standing in front of the cards I wanted to look at for 10 minutes, looking at every card and laughing at them and reading them to each other. You know the alien from the movie Alien that has the sharp teeth in his mouth and then a smaller mouth inside the first mouth that shoots out and it has more sharp teeth? Sometimes I wish I had a little mouth inside my mouth just like that. Then I wouldn't have to wait for some old ladies when I wanted to see Christmas cards.
I saw this Christmas gift idea: I think the official name is the Good Morning Toast Stamper. Basically, you toast some bread and then you press the stamper into your toast and it leaves an indent that says "Good Morning!" Not a bad little idea I guess. But I think it would be better to have a stamper where you can spell out different phrases on different mornings depending on your mood. So if you wake up one morning and your husband or wife has been an idiot lately, you can tell them "Good morning, dear!" but then serve them toast that says, "Go to hell!"
I hate repairing cars. I think all cars should be made of Lego. Then, if you got in a crash, you could just pull off the damaged pieces and snap on some new ones.
This ends the jokes portion of the page. Feel free to enjoy the blank space below this sentence.
I told you it was blank. But you're still here. Okay, here's some gumdrops just for you:
This just takes a second and is guaranteed 100% quick and painless...well, unless you suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome or some other repetitive stress injury, in which case clicking the mouse button could potentially be very painful. In that case, my heart goes out to you I guess.
Otherwise, please vote so I know which jokes you like best! In the "real world" when I perform these, I have another way to hear "votes" (ie laughter, silence, booing, throwing fruit, etc.). But I'm just curious to see what you think of these jokes in their written form.
