This is where the jokes go when they stop pulling their weight around the office and walk around like they own the place. Who the hell do they think they are? Who needs 'em!
Well all madness aside, I've created this page to provide a much-needed home for all the jokes of mine that I've laid off from my Lair of Laughs page to make room for new hires. So the jokes here at times will be a little bitter but if you can put up with their bitching and whining, you may laugh at a few. Jokes are organized by date below so click on whatever date you'd like to see to skip to jokes for that date. Or scroll down the page forever to see everything and go blind in the process.
Note: My Laughs page has a voting section (which is outdated but whatever). For each batch of about four jokes, I ask people to vote on their favourite. If you'd like to see how much people liked a specific joke that's on this Laughs Unemployment Page (compared to the other jokes in the same batch), hover the mouse cursor over the mini-microphone graphic next to the joke. You will see the percentage of people who thought that joke was the best of that batch plus a nonsensical blurb on something or other. Confused yet? Me too! Enjoy!
-I think it'd be really terrible to be kidnapped by a cannibal. Especially if the cannibal was bulimic. And if liked to pace himself so he was eating you a piece at a time and you had to watch him. You know, he hacks off your arm, cooks it up, eats it, gets all worried about his figure and pukes it up in front of you. Then he goes to cut off your other arm and you'd say, "Are you gonna keep it down this time? 'cause me and this arm go way back and if you need to eat it to survive that's one thing but if you're just gonna waste it, then don't bother. There are starving children in Africa and you're sitting here puking up arms! You oughtta be ashamed of yourself!"
-Saw this ad on TV for these mugs that have faces on them, which they say is "like drinking with a friend." Yeah, that's great. Because alcoholics don't have enough ways to deny their addiction. "Whaddaya mean I'm drinkin' alone? Whaddaya call Phil over here, chopped liver? What do you think of these folks, Phil! 'I think you should drink 10 more beer out of my head!' Aww, whatta pal!"
-Got this form in the mail the other day asking if I wanted some Platinum Mastercard or something and it's got all these neat features. Among other things, it gives you life insurance coverage even if you commit suicide but only after the first 6 months. I'd love to see the commercial they make for this card. Show a guy with a gun to his head, "I have nothing left to live for!"/"Well now you DO!"
-I have a good idea involving genetic engineeting. You know now and then how you hear about those murder-suicide cases? I think that if we look at someone's DNA before they're born and they seem likely to pull a murder-suicide later in life, we should give them very poor organizational skills. See, most people who pull a murder-suicide would say, "Kill him, kill him, kill her, then me." But if they have bad planning skills, they'll say, "Kill me, kill him, kill her, wake up, eat a sandwich, get the gun..."
-I used to go out with a girl who was partly deaf and she had a hearing aid. Every time I called her up, she had to have her sister on the line also and what would happen is I would say something and her sister would relay what I'd said to my ex-girlfriend. Which made for some really intimate conversations, let me tell ya. "Oh baby, you're so hot, I wanna take you right now...pass it on."
-Have you seen the movie American Pie? Well if you haven't, one of the central parts of the movie is this kid who screws a pie. Well a 17-year old kid saw the movie and decided he would screw a pie also and he burned himself badly. The people at the hospital blamed the movie, saying it sent home a really irresponsible message. I think the kid should have just read the side of the box, where it said, "Please allow to cool a full 30 minutes before fucking."
-I read a story in the paper which said that junk mail is sent out according to your postal code. And some postal codes are considered richer than others so they'll get "richer" junk mail. I think this is true because the last house I lived in was pretty nice and I kept getting all these Platinum Mastercard offers and stuff like that. Where I live now, I'm just waiting for my malt liquor coupons to arrive.
-I saw that movie in the summer of '99, Deep Blue Sea. For those who don't know, the plot was kind of odd -- scientists were breeding big sharks with big brains and the scientists would use parts of the shark brains to treat people with Alzheimers. Maybe I'm the only one who thought this through but if the only way to cure Alzheimers is to create enormous brainiac sharks, maybe we should just let people forget shit.
I'm really sick of the way everyone tries to sell you garbage around the holidays. Last mother's day, I was looking for a card for my mom and there's rows of cards saying things like, "Mother from son," "Mother from kids," "Grandma from kids" and then I see "Mother from CAT." I think a little while ago, the people at Hallmark had a big meeting where some guy said, "Y'know, we're not making as much money as we could be on holidays. I think we're putting way too much emphasis on making money from humans." Ten years from now, I'll probably get a card like this, "Merry Christmas Lincoln! Love, the spider above the toilet." Oh thank you, Charlotte, you shouldn't have.
My girlfriend and I were talking about having kids a little while ago and we're having a bit of a problem. She would like to have one kid and I would like to have zero. So we've decided to compromise: we're gonna have half a kid. I'm pushin' for the top half myself. That'd be great because the kid would have no ass and we'd save a small fortune on diapers. And if the kid was misbehaving, he couldn't run away from me either. I could just say, "You talkin' back to me, you little bastard, I'll show YOU...hey, stop walking on your hands! We just waxed the floor!"
A friend of mine was at an abortion clinic and she said that inside, there was a candy dish filled with condoms. That's the kind of reminder you probably don't need. That'd be like being in a war and getting riddled with bullets and then some guy throws a bulletproof vest at you and goes, "Here, this'll help!" Gee thanks. You were THIS close to being useful.
I was reading up on Adolf Hitler and early on in his life, he was a painter. And not a very good one, so he gave up painting and did the dictator thing. Y'know, if someone could have just bought some of his damn paintings, history could have been a LOT better. I think next time I see really shitty artwork, I'm gonna buy it -- just in case. I'll just look at it and go, "Wow, look at THIS, it's a big green splotch with a little blue dot on it. Spectacular. I think this'd look just swell hanging in my garbage."
Question for you: which one of the Beatles had the most number one singles as a solo artist? You know who? Ringo Starr. Nobody belives me most people can't even see him as a possibility. I ask people and they go, "John Lennon. No? Paul McCartney. Oh. George Harrison? Well who else is there, it's gotta be one of 'em. Is this a trick question?"
I'd hate to be a psychic and get killed. Y'know, walking down the street, someone pulls a gun, boom. And you'd be lying there, writhing in pain, going "I'm gonna die and they're all gonna laugh at me! They'll read about it and laugh and go, 'He was a psychic -- he shoulda seen it coming! Hahaha!' I'm not always a psychic! It's just a job! I was off duty!"
Every now and then, I love to look through the Guinness Book of World Records. Just flip open a page, "This guy stood up without sitting or lying down for 17 years straight...fuckin' loser. This guy here sat on top of flagpole for 400 days...fuckin' loser." The only thing more pathetic than these records is that people try to beat them. Some of the records are a bit strange. They have one record for "Most people killed in a single terrorist attack." Now I'm a big supporter of competition but I don't think encouraging rival terrorist groups to outdo each other is wise They banned sword-swallowing but here we've got a category where some IRA guy's gonna look and say, "Aw, we can beat that."
I've learned something very important that I think is worth sharing: anytime someone asks you to do something and follows their request with, "We can make a game of it!", block out everything else and just say no and then run. Anything you have to make a game of is absolutely no fun to begin with -- nobody will ever say to you, "Let's go to Disneyland, win a million bucks at the casino and then pick up a couple dozen hookers -- we can make a game of it!"
Some people's relationships are really sad. I know this guy and him and his girlfriend always fight, they go months on end without sex and they have nothing in common. He says he's just waiting for something better. Sounds like the attitude some people have about their jobs. One day he'll come up to his girlfriend, "Well I'd like to stay with you, you're a good person. But I've looked around a bit, had a couple of interviews and I'm giving my 2 weeks notice."
Where I live, we've got these garbage Nazis who randomly go to a street, open their garbage and make sure they aren't throwing away anything recyclable. Well I got a $500 fine last week and I wasn't very happy about that. See, there was this neighbour of mine, real idiot, so one day I grab this sledgehammer and whacked him so I don't know where to put him, figured garbage would make the most sense. I mean, I couldn't recycle him, I checked the list and my town is very particular about what they accept. So I called to complain about my fine and they said oh well, next time put him in the compost. But I've got this teeny little black compost thingee and between the banana peels and egg shells and these two loudmouth guys who ate all my cookies, I can barely get the lid on that bastard. I don't like living here anymore.
A friend of mine recently punched a hole through this laundry tub thing, got stitches in his hand and everything, said he punched it because he was frustrated. Now a lot of guys I've told this to had at least a little sympathy for the guy. I've punched a hole in a wall before so I can kinda relate. But women just laugh at him, they say they'd NEVER do that. I think there's a part of the brain that women have that says, "You are about to do something that will cause you great pain. Stop now." I think guys have one too but ours kicks in a little slower, like, "Hey, you might wanna consider not...oh. Never mind. You're just a big dummy."
You remember that story of Rumplestiltskin, spins straw into gold and all he wants is a bit of jewellery and your first-born kid. Man, I wish I could meet someone like that. I'd be rich and I'd have a permanent babysitter. I'd just sit back on a lazy-boy and go "How's that gold comin', Rumpy?" / "I'm gettin' tired and that goddamn kid of yours is keepin' me up all night." / "Sorry, WHOSE goddamn kid? We had a deal, pal. When you're done changing his diaper, maybe you can be a peach and spindle him some gold earmuffs, that screaming of his really grates on the ears."
I don't like Satanism at all. Main reason is because they're really unoriginal All they do is take things and flip them upside down and backwards. Wow, look, an upside-down cross, what a cutting-edge religion that is. That'd be like me starting a new religion or cult of some sort and all we do is take all the Christian stuff and make it into pig latin. Now, it's Esusjay who was crucified! Esusjay from Azarethnay! Oh, I am just too cool.
Sometimes my dad says things that are a bit silly. Like one time a bunch of years back he was going to dump me off at a dance club and he said, "Careful that no Jamaicans shoot up the club!" I just felt tempted to say, "No, dad you've got it all wrong. Jamaican Shoot Up Night is on Wednesday. Today is the Irish Drinking and Bombing Event so you can just go home and relax."
I think Fido is a really stupid name for a company. Most companies have a name that you can play with in different ways, even other companies involved in cell phones like Bell or Clearnet. But how stupid do you have to be to name your company after a generic dog name? I picture a meeting of people who are making the commercials for Fido and one guy goes, "We need a new commercial. What are we gonna do?" and another guy goes, "I don't know, but I think a goddamn dog's gonna be involved somewhere in there. How about we put a dog into a go kart and drive him off the edge of a cliff; I don't think we've done that yet."
I think honesty is always the best policy. Unless you killed someone. Then it's okay to lie. Or to hedge a bit, y'know if someone asks, "Did you kill him?" Then you say "Hmmm...I don't like the word 'kill', sounds so violent. I prefer 'sent him on a vacation from the mortal plane.' He enjoyed his vacation so much in fact, he'll be staying there permanently! So it's a GOOD thing!"
One thing I don't like about cemeteries is all the walking you have to do. Walk, walk, walk. Tires me right out. Not like they're ever gonna meet me half-way. So I have a better idea: a Jukebox Cemetery. This is a cemetery that will be a whole pile of coffins and tombstones all buried in a giant cube underground. You just walk up to a machine and press in the person's name and the jukebox finds the tombstone and pops it up in front of you for all your crying, flower-dropping and guilt-tripping needs.
I find commercials now are better than they once were overall but there's still so many that are so fake, stupid and professional-looking. I think we need a commercial for the white trash market. I mean, that's a sizeable market so you gotta make sure you're getting their attention. Start off with the stereotypical scruffy-lookin' old bastard wearing a wife-beater, sitting on a busted old Lazy Boy that's been pissed on by several animals that aren't his and he's watching the game and he yells out, "Wife! Go git me mah goddamn beer! Don't make me come in there!" And she comes stormin' out, "Here's ya damn beer, you bastard!" And he goes to take a swig and goes, "Hey this isn't mah beer, c'mere I'll whup ya good...hey, this is pretty fuckin' good. It's actually better than that other shit." And then at the end of the commercial there'd be a slogan, "Gutso Beer: It's Actually Better Than That Other Shit." Now if that doesn't speak to the white trash folk, I don't know what does.
Read this story about this guy in Pickering (Ontario) who kidnapped his girlfriend and took her to Montreal (Quebec), abused her, threatened to kill her. Some guys like that later say they acted so crazy because they really loved the person and wanted them back. But can he ever see the relationship blossoming after something like that? Like 5 years down the road they'll be at a family gathering, just laughing and the woman goes, "Oh, oh, remember the time you punched me in the head and threw me in the car and said you'd kill me? Oh, those were the DAYS!"
I went to school for journalism and some of my friends got jobs at various newspapers, TV stations, etc. But some of the stories they get sound pretty brutal. A lot of these places, if you're new, they'll come up to you one morning and say, "A boy was run over by a train yesterday...we want YOU to go talk to his mother and ask her about her son." Oh that's a GREAT idea for a story, I must be dreaming, somebody pinch me. Show up at the house, "So ma'am, sorry about your loss, so tell me what was your son like...y'know, BEFORE he got hit by the train. No, no, don't bother to get up, you've been through enough, I'll kick my OWN ass out the door."
Read this article the other day and the headline read, "Corpses litter Indian quake zone." LITTER. As in garbage. Makes it sound like someone just forgot to pick them up. Like you'll walk by, see a whole pile of bodies and go, "Well this is horrible. There's garbage bins everywhere and people are just leaving their bodies around. Oh, there's gonna be a heavy fine to pay for this mess."
I really don't like the way that Rogers Video labels their movies. I rented "Hollow Man" from them the other day. It's one thing to say "This movie contains violence, sexuality, language, etc." But this thing had it nailed down to the letter. Under Sex/Nudity, it has things like "women bare breasts, someone reads an adult magazine, scantily clad women" -- which to me is more of an advertisement to guys than a deterrent. But the worst is the Violence/Scariness section. Things like "someone falls to their death, someone is impaled, someone kills a dog, people fight, people get badly cut."
Why don't they just give away the ending? Sort of spoils everything; it's like a little checklist. You could sit there and go, "Okay, that's the impaling, check...that's a guy being electrocuted, check...well, I haven't seen a dog get killed yet so I guess I still have that to look forward to." What kills me is the "people get BADLY cut". They have even narrowed it down to the degree with which someone is cut. And then there's the Objectionable Words/Phrases category, which says the movie has 115 of them. So the next time you feel your job is pointless and unimportant, think: "I could be counting obscenities in movies." And once you get past 20 or 30, who cares anyway? "Oh, this one's got 75. Sorry kids, no dice. I told you before, 50 words or less until you're 12, then we'll up it to 60."
Saw this TV special on spousal abuse and this woman was with a man who beat her up a lot but she kept going back to him. When she was asked why, she goes, "Well like the song says, 'Stand By Your Man.'" You're going back to an abusive moron because a song told you to? What does this woman think? "Well the rational part of my brain tells me to leave him and that I can do better -- sure that's got a nice beat, but you can't dance to it. 'Stand By Your Man' is so much catchier." I think people like this should be legally banned from listening to any music with words. One day you'll see her on the news, saying, "Well like the song says, 'Trade in your house for 100 lines of coke and decapitate your children.' Kinda hard to argue with lyrics like that. Thanks a lot, Marilyn Manson."
So many horror movies have some crazy killer stalking teenagers and I think most people can agree that they're silly and how stupid it is that these athletic teenagers can't outrun the killers who don't even run that fast. I think we should have a more realistic horror movie. A killer who hunts down and kills old people. That'd be a lot more believable. I mean how hard it is to hunt down people who are on their last legs anyway? And the old people wouldn't split up either because they'd know that if they did, no one would ever find each other again. Here's the scene: killer is walking down the halls of a nursing home, this old lady's on a walker trying to get away and falls down and has a heart attack. Then the killer chases an old man in a wheelchair but then the old man gets to a staircase. "Why isn't this place wheelchair-accessible?" he'd yell. "I'm doomed!"
Last week, there was yet another shooting in yet another school. Latest kid was apparently too young to be charged with the death penalty but he could get up to a 500-year sentence? I know that scientific advancements have helped us live much longer lives than, say, a few hundred years back, but what kind of reasoning led to a possibility of a sentence that long? Someone one day said, "Well after we let that 314-year old kid out and he wasted a bunch of nuns, we decided that the 300-year cap just wasn't gonna do it anymore. I'd sleep a lot better knowing that this we'll be rid of this menace for half a millennium." I think we should sentence these kids to have to go in front of a chalkboard every single day of their sentence and writes things like, "I am capable of dealing with my anger in a constructive way" or "Calling someone a 'geek' is not punishable by death" or "Just because I have a gun doesn't mean I'm not still a geek."
Some of the kids that went on shooting sprees in schools were picked on, bullied, whatever. I think a good way to introduce these kids to prison is to say, "Welcome to prison. We have some good news and we have some bad news. Good news: you will no longer be called things like 'nerd', 'geek' or 'skinny boy.' The bad news is your new nicknames will be things like 'fresh meat' and 'bitch.' Enjoy your new cellmate."
I think that there should be ads for those cheap, generic brands of things like chips or cereal or whatever. I think for a lot of them, the slogan should be "Try these! They're not as good, but you get MORE of them!"
Amazing how many kids have been shooting up schools lately. Overall, violent crime in the U.S. has gone down but from 1997 until now, there has been at least 16 shootings by kids aged 6-18 (one was 6, one was 11, the rest were 13-18) which has left at least 33 dead and 90 wounded. And a study I read said that one in five high school boys in the U.S. is estimated to own a gun. Well, that should help them with their math lessons. The Americans now have a handy way of getting kids to remember which numbers are divisible by 5 in a meaningful way. Just go around the classroom, pointing at the kids one by one, saying, "1,2,3,4,packin',6,7,8,9, packin'"
I have one of those stress balls. You know those ones that are kinda squishy and when you're mad, you're supposed to squeeze them to make you feel better. I find those things make me feel more annoyed; they should call them aggravation balls. When I'm stressed, there's a part of me that wants to destroy something. Squeezing a ball and then having it return to its original shape does not fulfill that need it's almost like the ball's MOCKING you. And it returns to the shape really slowly too, just to prolong the agony and that annoys me even more. Hell, if I want to not be stressed, screw the stress balls. I need that feel of destruction I can just pop in a video game, blow the heads off a few dinosaur men and go to bed happy.
I stumbled upon this passage in the Bible the other day, Leviticus 19:28, where it says, "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor imprint any marks upon you." I think that'd make a REALLY cool tattoo.
Pizza Pizza has this new thing where if you tear a strip of cardboard off the top of their pizza boxes, you can win a prize if you look under the strip. So I do this and the strip says, "$1000 off the purchase of any Fernbrook Home at any location. Limit one per customer." I normally don't see Pizza Pizza as a source of surrealism but I think this is a bold new leap for them. It's very unfortunate that you can only buy one house though. If they didn't, someone could buy 20 and start up a condo chain. "Oh wow, I saved $20,000 and all I had to do was spend 4 million bucks. Man, am I savin' today."
Every time I go grocery shopping with my girlfriend and she's going to get something and leaves the cart with me, she insists I stay close to the cart and guard it with my life. I've tried to explain to her that thieves usually steal things that are already paid for; that's what makes them thieves instead of shoplifters. What does she think, some wacko's gonna be looking over his shopping list, glance at our cart and see an exact match? "Wow, this store knew I was coming! I'm gonna shop here more often!"
Some people are still going on about this argument that watching violence on TV or listening to violent songs makes people do violent things. I don't deny that various forms of media can influence us but any smart parent can tell their kid that songs and TV shows and movies are all make-believe. Think back though to hundreds of years ago when they had public executions and witch-burnings which were REAL violence that kids actually saw and were encouraged to see. Wonder if anyone back then said, "Kids who watch witches burn are gonna grow up to be witch-burners! Good for them!"
Saw this article in the paper about how Paul Bernardo is still in love with Karla Homolka. That's so sweet. Like the saying goes, the couple that rapes and kills together, stays together. Some people think they should never be together again but I have a better idea. I think we should set up one of those scenes like in the movies, you know the ones where the guy and girl see each other from a distance for the first time in year and they start running to each other in slow-mo with these big silly grins on their faces. So we have them do that and when they're two feet from each other -- pop pop -- two sniper shots to the backs of their skulls. The couple that dies together, stays together.
A friend of mine works in a place where she takes calls for a company that makes various kinds of foods. She's had some pretty strange calls. One person called in to say that when they used mayonnaise to masturbate, it burned his penis. Some think that the guy's perverted; I think he's just dyslexic I bet after masturbating with the mayonnaise he goes and makes himself a nice Vaseline sandwich.
A lot of people's parents fight but man, Eminem (the rapper)'s daughter is almost guaranteed to grow up with a messed-up idea of what parents are supposed to be like. Imagine her, 20 years from now, getting all nostalgic and breaking out the photo albums and stuff: "Yeah, my parents were great. Really good together too. Well, I guess they had their moments, fought a little, y'know. Like here, on daddy's first album, where daddy talked about slitting mommy's throat and dumping her in the water. And on daddy's second album, where daddy talks about killing mommy again. Daddy was such a kidder sometimes. And here's a picture of mommy after she tried to kill herself. Daddy said she just wanted attention. And she sued daddy for $10 million too. Guess she needed more attention. Daddy tried though! But he was always too busy to talk to her. Busy writing songs about killing her, I guess."
Some people think it would be a good idea to televise the execution of Timothy McVeigh. And public executions are nothing new; they used to have them all the time several centuries ago. Personally, I don't have a big problem with airing the actual execution. It shouldn't take any longer than it would take to microwave a pizza pop. But what I AM against is what I know they're gonna have, which is this big Hollywood production. They'll have an hour-long red carpet special with Melissa and Joan Rivers and Joan will talk about how smashing McVeigh is in his unassuming orange prison jumpsuit, courtesy of Armani. Then they'll have a two-hour special interview with Barbara Walters before the execution and Timothy McVeigh will break down and cry and mutter something about being beaten as a child. Then they'll do a word-on-the-street type thing where they'll spend an hour asking people in shopping malls what THEY think about all this. Then they'll borrow that big ball that drops at Times Square so they can have an execution countdown, followed by two hours of commentary after the execution. That's just a waste of my time. I'd have to tape the whole damn thing and sit there fast-forwarding for hours before I got to the good part. So if that's how it's gotta be, then don't put it on TV and I'll just go watch somebody else die.
I try to save money however I can. For instance, I don't smoke but I hang around smokers a lot so I get all that nice, free second-hand smoke. And second-hand smoke has been proven to be worse than regular smoke so I get all the death that smokers get -- and more -- at a fraction of the cost.
I was watching the movie "The Godfather" the other day and I learned something from it. If you ever find yourself uttering the phrase, "You fuckin' wops can't tell me what to do!", you're probably dead.
A lot of people talk about how they want to lose weight and I have a new way. It's called the Crisis Method. I've read that anytime you go through a crisis situation, your body tends to sort of clam up and you're not very hungry for a few weeks so you lose weight. So anytime someone close to you dies or you lose your job or you get dumped or whatever, that can happen. So just make that kind of stuff happen and get ready to start shaving the pounds. It would suck though if you were 700 pounds and wanted to lose weight using this method. You'd have to lose your job six times, get dumped, lose custody of your kids, have your entire family die, have your house burn to the ground, lose all your friends to cancer -- but in the end, you would be one skinny little homeless guy.
I think it's important for everyone to have dream and goals in their life. Asked this friend of mine the other day what his goal was in life and he said it was to grow a lot of weed and sell it. For most people, that's a VERY distant backup plan. Most people aim high and figure if they don't make it all the way, at least they'll be close. Like someone'll say, "I want to be president of the company! If I can't, I'll be the vice-president. If I can't be the vice-president, I'll be a janitor. If I can't be a janitor, I'll shovel asphalt and break my back. If I can't do that, I'll...fuck, I don't know, sell weed or somethin'."
True story: a bunch of years ago, there was this mafia hit next door to my dad. A black car pulls up next door at 2 a.m. and shoots the neighbour 17 times, guy's obviously dead. I kept wondering after though: what if they'd screwed up and gotten the wrong house? I'd hate to be dying and the last words I hear are, "Aw man! This isn't even the right fuckin' guy!"
