-I was flipping through the Canadian Criminal Code the other day and I noticed that we have this law that says if you alarm Her Majesty The Queen, you can go to jail for up to 14 years. 14 years just for that! You could sneak up behind the queen at a baseball game, yell "Boo!" and then she freaks because you alarmed her. Imagine being locked up for that for 14 years with arsonists and murderers -- you're gonna be somebody's bitch. And then we have another law in this country that says if you force a human being to have sex with an animal, you can go to jail for 10 years. Apparently it's not important that our laws maintain any sense of consistency. So if I say "Boo" to the queen, that could be 14 years in the slammer, but if I force her to fuck an elephant at gunpoint, I get 4 years less. What do I get if I kill her? Do I get a prize?
-I read this one case that really annoyed me. It concerned this cop in Toronto charged with beating his wife. The judge found him guilty BUT gave him an absolute discharge (no jail time, no record, etc.). The judge said he made this decision because the case was "old" (the beating happened 10 years earlier) and also that the man was an excellent player on the police hockey team. Now there's an intelligent decision. This'll open up all kinds of bad doors for people like Clifford Olson. There Cliff'll be at his parole hearing, saying, "Well yes it's true I did kill a great many people. But when I hit the golf course, you can call me TIGER!"
-There's this newspaper in Toronto that's distributed by homeless people, it's called Outreach. I bought a copy the other day and I'm looking through the issue and there's this article about dealing with really cold weather. The article talks about how there's nothing better than reading a nice book and cozying up by the fireplace in winter. How sensitive. Bet the homeless people who deliver the papers are really thankful for that tip. Next issue I hear they'll have a headline on the front page that reads, "We Have So Much Shit, We Just Don't Know Where To Put It All!"
-Read in the news the other day that Karla Homolka was bitching because apparently she didn't like prison anymore and she wanted to get out and nobody would let her. I don't get her at all. She's at a prison called the Joliette Institution, where the inmates live in little cottages and do their own grocery shopping. When did Canada decide it was important for murderers to get enough of the four basic food groups? They killed people for God's sake. I say feed them big globs of fat so they'll die faster. And while in prison, Karla got a degree in psychology and is now working on education in criminology. That'd be like Jeffrey Dahmer getting a degree in nutrition. And her degree was paid for by taxpayers. Shouldn't she, at the very least, have to pay OSAP? I mean sure, students can be lazy, drunken bastards but they never killed anybody. I think if she really wants the university experience, we should stock that grocery store with only one thing: Kraft Dinner. And not the fancy-ass spiral kind or tomato basil or whatever. No, that plain kind -- the kind that's always left over at food drives. And just to piss her off, we can have the cashier guy at the grocery store come over the loudspeaker sometimes and say, "Attention all Joliette Shoppers. Today's special: Kraft Dinner! You can find this item on sale in isles 1 through 35!"
I used to work at Bell Canada but I lost my job there. I think the reason I did was I had this idea for a commercial that they didn't like very much. It went something like this: there's a guy sitting at home and he hears a knock at the door. He goes to the door and there's two guys dressed in black and they say, "Mr. Johnson, you are six months behind on your phone bill; we can no longer tolerate this situation" (bang! bang!) "Welcome to the new Bell, motherfucker!" I think people would start paying their bills on time when they saw that.
-Whenever you used to go into Oshawa, you'd see a sign reading "Welcome to Oshawa, The City That Moto-vates Ontario." Yeesh. When you have a pun in your greeting sign, you're already in trouble. In recent years, the sign has changed to read, "Welcome to Oshawa, The City In Motion." But I've been through Oshawa for years now and I think a more fitting sign would be, "Welcome to Oshawa. YEEEEEEE- HAWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sometimes when I make fun of Oshawa, people say, "Well Oshawa's not ALL bad, there are GOOD parts too." Well I suppose so. I'm sure every crappy place isn't all crappy. Somewhere out there is a tour guide saying, "And here we have the ritzy part of Calcutta where the streets are paved with nothing and the flies taste like chocolate truffles with wings."
-Some people are proud of silly things. I know this guy who's drunk all the time, missing a bunch of teeth, smells bad and wears horrible clothes. One time his dad says to me all proudly, "Yep, that's my son! Best lookin' man in all of Oshawa!" Sad part is, he's probably right.
-I read that Celine Dion's former drummer is suing her because he said that during live shows, she would lip-synch, which put extra pressure on him. How 'bout that? Celine Dion has a drummer. Couldn't she just program that? How much speed is required to drum for Celine Dion's slower-than-water-torture crap? How much stress could this guy possibly face? The drummer for Def Leppard plays faster and better and he's only got one arm. Celine Dion's drummer could play and talk on a cell phone to his wife at the same time. "Hi honey, yep, I'm playin' for Celine. Actually I'm on-stage right now. Oh man, she's lip-synching again, pressure's on, all eyes are on me, gotta play double-speed. Honey, I'm gonna have to let you go. I'm getting a cramp in my jaw from all this yawning."
-Some people worry about stupid things. A bunch of years back in Canada, some cops were wearing turbans and this made a lot of people really mad. Which I think is just silly. Just think about how useful a turban could be. Let's say you're caught in some rough waters and you're drowning and a cop shows up. If he's got a turban, he can just take it off, loop it around a few times and throw you a line your ass is saved. But what he's got a regular cap? He'll be leaning over, saying, "If you can just reach a little more and grab a hold of my cap, maybe I can pull you inmaybe." And you'll yell, "Why don't you wear a turban, you asshole!" Oh, in that unlikely scenario, you would be PRAYING for a turban.
-I was at Casino Rama in Orillia and there's this sign saying that if you have a gambling problem, call this number for help. So the same place that gives credit card advances and lets you withdraw money from your bank $50 at a time is concerned about gambling addiction. Seems a little wrong. I've never gone into a library and seen a sign that said, "Do you read too much? Don't fret; help is available."
-I was in the Trenton area recently and I saw a road that's actually called Memory Lane. How many bad jokes do you think the people who live there have heard? Bet people come over to visit all the time and say things like, "Hey Frank, ha ha, why don't we pull out those photo albums and take a trip down mem-" / "Shut up, shut your mouth now, if I hear that crap one more time I swear to God I'll kill you!"
-I was watching CITY-TV Great Movies the other day and you know how just before the movies come on, that voice comes on and says "You are watching CITY-TV great movies. The following film contains scenes of violence, nudity and coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised." Well I figure violence, nudity AND coarse language? Well away with the remote control; my search has ended! But then they go and censor the movie anyway. And they censor it wrong too. Like I'm watching Predator, the Schwarzenegger movie, and it's the end of the movie where Arnold's talking to the ugly alien monster and he's gonna say the MF-word. But on the CITY-TV movie, it comes out as "Yo one ugly _____fucka!" I thought it was relatively clear which half of the word was offensive. Is there a group of people out there who are really mad about the use of the word "mother" on television? They call up CITY-TV and say, "I'm really upset with you people, putting such vile language on the TV. Stop saying 'mother', you fuckers! I'll never watch CITY-TV again -- anywhere!"
