Lincoln TrudeauMY ADDRESSMY CITY, PROVINCEMY COUNTRY/POSTAL CODEMonday, Nov. 13, 1995Nationwide Clearing House
8255 Mountain Sights Ave.
Suite 10
Montreal, Quebec
H4P 2B5
To The People Who Wouldn't Even Give Me A Damn Name To Write Back To,
It's a good thing you people live all the way in Quebec because so help me, if you were within a reasonable driving distance, I'd be inclined to take a cruise over there and slap around the lot of you, right down to the little brat that mops the floor before closing time.
You send me this grainy brownish sheet of paper with this psychotic elegant red border telling me I won a prize, as though I'd be so overcome with ravenous glee I'd pick up the phone and give you nimrods a buzz.
It's kind of nice to have something headed "Official Claim Certificate For: LINCOLN TRUDEAU", true. But not when it's followed by my personal code number and my bonus number.
So you use my name as though I'm an individual of great importance to you, but then you pretty much tell me I'm a measly number. To my face, no less! Hell, I'm not even one number, I'm two! Like that's supposed to somehow soften the blow of your indifference.
What the hell does my personal code number mean, anyway? And why are there so many letters in my number? What on earth is "NCH95A1443NOA"? If I was number "7" perhaps, I'd feel a little more elite or something, kinda like James Bond. But such a large number is hopelessly disheartening.
Then you've got the audacity to tell me that you have "Great News" for me. You know, I remember as a child reading a fable called "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." Were any of you corporate masochists also taught this tale in your more innocent youth? Then again, maybe you people were never young. Maybe instead of being born, you were...manufactured. At least that would help to explain the coldness you've shown me. Or maybe I know too much already.
Anyways, I read your form and I couldn't help think that once again, some idiot has cried "wolf", I go galloping over and what do I find but a grinning little aberration chuckling "Hee hee; there's no real wolf, I was just teasin'!"
It's a good thing you're not my son, you faceless demon, or you'd be locked in your room until Armageddon. Perhaps longer. Hell, I'll create a radiation shield for your room just so that you can be the only human alive after the nuclear winter and you can witness the consequences of misleading people.
Just so you know, from this point on, I am addressing the bunch of you as a single corporate entity. Besides, I don't have the time to make radiation shields for all of you. If you want more than one, build your own damn shields.
Anyways, enough digression on my part. You tell me that "we are unable to contact you by phone" and that is why you have written me. I can't say that is the most moronic thing I've ever heard, but it's at least in the top ten (hey, maybe YOU should be the one getting the prize).
You have trained your bloody monkeys over there to crank out a letter with all kinds of fancy-ass typefaces and fonts and colours but they're unable to push a few buttons on a phone? Look, get your act together. Either that or hire better monkeys.
Then you say in enormous letters that it is your "OBLIGATION TO HOLD YOUR AWARD". Oh you're just bleeding sincerity aren't you? Hell, when I got the envelope it was soaking wet and I spent a good part of my lunch-hour mopping up all that dripping sincerity. Couldn't you at least pretend you wanted to hold my award? Like maybe if you said it was your "DISTINCT PLEASURE TO HOLD YOUR AWARD" -- man, I'm sold. But you didn't. And it's too late now. Make a note of this day, boy -- when they make that time machine one day, you'll know what to do when it's your turn.
It says if I call within 72 hours I am "ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED AT LEAST ONE or more of the following five awards" -- I smell redundance. By saying "at least one", there is no need to say "or more." What kind of dunderheaded slavering neanderthal do you take me for?
And the actual prizes...well some are nice. Like I could really go for a Ford Explorer right now, though I'd require you to pay insurance, of course.
Airfare for two in "breath-taking" Hawaii for 14 days and 13 nights...swell. So I just call someone up who I care about, we head on to Hawaii...and then what? Do you think me or that other person can afford hotel accommodation for two weeks? I know what I'll be saying if I take that flight. "Wow, look, it's Hawaii! Neato! Anyone got any spare change?"
Actually, forget the trip to Hawaii. Just send me by bus for just one day to your headquarters in Montreal so I can slap you around like I said earlier on. I don't even care if it's round-trip; I'll pay my way back.
Then there's a genuine 1 kt. diamond and sapphire pendant. Oh goody, a status symbol of my very own. Gosh, how complete my life would be with a pendant. Look, couldn't you just have one token prize that I would actually want?
Next is a different kind of status symbol -- a "state of the art" portable cellular phone (as opposed to an archaic and obsolete cell phone?). Now if only it came with the matching suit and tie and a job that pays over $50,000 a year. Oh baby, then I'd be set.
Or the final option is a complete Fujitsu 10-foot satellite dish system. Wow. So instead of watching 0 out of 40 channels on television, I can now watch 0 out of 200 channels. Not really a marked improvement, is it?
Oh wait...look at the back of this page...why, there's a cleverly concealed DISCLAIMER. Written in tiny faded letters reminiscent of the last microfiche I had to look at. You'd almost think you were trying to HIDE it from me, putting it on the back like that, and in such minuscule lettering.
The disclaimer says "one call per valid claim number" -- why? Have people called long-distance to Montreal multiple times just because you're so damned fun to chat with? Is this an activity that you really need to discourage?
Then it talks about the 100,000 prizes and the breakdown -- 2 Ford Explorers, 7 satellite dish systems, and over 33 thousand of each of the other prizes. How snazzy. So my odds of winning a vehicle I cannot afford to maintain have dropped once again. However, my odds of winning a phone I cannot afford to maintain have skyrocketed. Marvellous.
Then you tell me certain restrictions, conditions and terms apply. And what might those restrictions be? Mind being just a little more vague next time? And then you say the offer's void where prohibited by law -- well, is it prohibited by law where I live? Shouldn't you know that?
Some advice for the future: research your market a little better. I don't know who your target audience is, but I ain't it.
Sincerely,Lincoln Trudeau
