Task Assigned To Due Date Status Notes
Don't (ie DON'T) have children My unborn children (you're never too young to have a job to do) 02/09/2075 PENDING By the time I turn 100, this task should be moot. Okay, if at any point I have children who aren't quite born yet, don't do anything stupid like kill yourselves: simply call Dr. Spock and have them beam you into the uterus of some poor woman who's been trying for years to get pregnant with no success. I'm sure she needs you far more than I do. Now don't get all teary-eyed when you say goodbye, I'll always be in your hearts or something
Take over the world (or a small country nobody likes anyway) Me and a task force of people who aren't too interested in living very long 22/07/2014 PENDING I've really gotta stop procrastinating. This is just taking forever. I don't even have the task force yet. Man, this is awful.
Fire somebody while smoking a cigar Me and a hapless fool 19/05/2012 PENDING Okay, all I have to do is start my own company. Then I hire an employee. Then, the first day, before the idiot comes in, I get a big comfy chair, I sit there in a sharkskin suit and I light a cigar and I take one puff and I go "AnderSONNNNNNNNNN! I don't like that look on your face! Pack your bags, you're fired!" Actually, wait...first I give him bags (cheap plastic ones) and a bunch of empty packages of Smarties or something. That way, if he didn't bring his own bags, he's got no excuse. Poor bastard. He'll never know what hit him.
Cross-breed donkeys and vultures Scientists who can no longer work in respectable fields 08/06/2010 PENDING Okay, the only question really now is this: Donktures or Vulkeys? Which sounds less stupid? We need to breed a flying ass that preys on the dead and weak. If that won't make the world a better place for our children (well not MY children, I don't want any thanks), I don't know what will.
Get a jumbo jet (reasoning explained in "Notes") A jumbo jet pilot who's about to get fired 04/12/2002 PENDING Once I have my jumbo jet, I will arrange to have a charity concert somewhere for some noble cause or other (whatever cause is topical). Then, I will book people like Michael Bolton, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, n'Sync, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Hanson, Aqua (remember Aqua? Yeah, I almost forgot to put them on the list). They will get on my plane. Now, I will have my jumbo jet pilot dump the gasoline while travelling over the mountains and then parachute out where a small helicopter will be waiting to take him to safety and provide him with a hefty paycheque. Anyway, the jet will crash into the mountains. Or, if I'm really lucky, the plane will crash but most people will not die and they'll be forced to eat themselves like in the movie "Alive". The above list may be changed as I'm sure that in the coming years other annoying candidates will surface while others will predictably fade from public consciousness and I won't have to hear their watered-down crap music anymore.
Become very very rich Bill Gates 01/01/2001 PENDING Bill's a busy man but I don't think I'm asking a whole lot here. Actually forget "very very rich". I'll settle for $20,000 U.S. per year (subject to inflation increases) as a basic living allowance and anything I make on top of that is gravy. I've done my part but SOMEBODY (hint hint WINK WINK) isn't pulling his or her own weight, not mentioning any NAMES, Mr. Rich Guy!
Be very happy Bitchy people everywhere 31/12/2000 PENDING Okay, bitchy people. I want to be happy. I usually am happy actually but to be COMPLETELY happy, you have to stop being bitchy. Got it? If I hear one more peeping, whining thing outta any of you, the lot of you are off this task and I'll find someone else! Damn bitchy people. So unreliable. And bitchy.
Make a "to do" list Me 05/12/2000 DONE! Wow. That took two seconds. Now what?
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"To Do" List
This is a list of things I hope to accomplish at various points between now and when I die.  I figure if I can write all these things down, I'm more likely to get everything done.  But I think sometimes I can be a little too ambitious.
Wonder if there's a movie yet where someone is being attacked so they reach for a note-stabbing thing and use it as a neck-stabbing thing. Actually I think Hitchcock's "Dial 'M' For Murder" may have had something similar. I forget though. Wonder if the reverse happens? Like someone uses a neck-stabbing thing as a note-stabbing thing, like some guy just jabs a machete into a pile of notes on his desk? People would be concerned about you if you did such a thing and that's what it's all about.
If only my life were as clearly laid out as this list would have you believe. Oh well.